What it's really like to be tired.
It took me till 4am to get you out of my arms. For the last 3 weeks, I have held you. Without exaggeration, the only times you've been put down is for me to wee, me to clean yours and when I have been desperately hungry or thirsty. And if you think making toast is easy to do one-handed, try doing it with a crying baby in your arms. I challenge you. Our family is amazing as they will come and stay and give me a short break but when they go the cycle continues. I love living in the middle of no where, but the perks quickly disappear when you realise how alone you really are at 3 in the morning with a screaming, tired baby.
I'm laying next to you, 4.14am and I am exhausted. You are stripping me of everything good, everything joyful and everything that makes motherhood 'worth it'. I'm not so sure all the single ladies care about the struggles they're yet to face, but I want them to know. STAY SINGLE. Buy those spontaneous one-way plane tickets. Know that this commitment is beyond life-changing, and don't you dare commit to anything unless you're 150% determined to give everyday your all. At this very moment, through early-teething and my newly re-named 'devil child', I know she needs my absolute 150% commitment to keep on track of life and my head in the parenting game. This shit is tiring. I am tired. I'm not 'oh I'll stay up an hour later', or 'I'll sleep in an extra hour', but I'm to the point of saying yes to a sneaky 20 minutes (if I can ever get it) to keep myself functioning until the next sneaky 20 comes along. And before anyone tells me to 'sleep when the baby sleeps', if becomes a bit difficult WHEN THEY DON'T SLEEP.
And if they do, it's in your arms. I need to make sure I don't smother, block airways or squash my baby. All while I'm tired. Don't tell me to just lay down with her. It's impossible. But thanks for your handy advice, it was just what I was seeking.
For the last few weeks I've been all you want. Which is cute, but I don't want you. I want a hot coffee and some cereal that hasn't soaked up all the milk. I want a shower where I don't have to jump out mid-conditioner and then cry just as many tears as you because I realise I've jumped out the shower with a head full of soap and I know I have to stick my head back in to rinse what is left of my attempt of smelling human again, while you're in your rocker on the bathroom floor crying and confused as to why I've had to put you down again. I want to sleep next to my man. I miss him. I want my lovely little lady back. Where did you go? Did someone swap you in one of the woolies isles while I was tossing up whether or not to buy 1 or 2 boxes of sale nappies?
I wouldn't be shocked in anyone if they wanted you, you're perfect. Apart from the fact that you refuse to sleep anywhere other than with me, or on me, in my arms or beside me (if I'm lucky). Your perfect persona has been overtaken by the spawn of devil teeth and the reality of 'what comes up, must come down' because this is literally what your teeth have done. No wonder you're mad, that is so cruel. You're just shy of 4 months and yet life is already teaching you how cruel it can be. I want to teach you that life is good, but all I'm currently teaching you is frustration, guilt and intense emotion on top of petty love. I'm trying my absolute hardest, but it's no where close to what I feel like you need.
I'm not mad at you, I promise my baby girl. I'm mad at the situation we're in. I'm mad because I don't feel as though I'm giving you what you need. You need everything. And I'm losing all my will to give every piece of me to you. Do you have enough? The million dollar question. I'm going to be spending the rest of my life making sure you always have enough- not too much, but just he right amount of all the little and big things, but most importantly I want to fill you with a whole lot of love. And when as your Mum, I question my love and if it's enough, all those little and big things are thrown out the window. You're safe and warm, which is most important. And my commitment will always be 150% for you, even if I'm feeling down or second guessing all the other bits and pieces.
15.10.2017
I'm laying next to you, 4.14am and I am exhausted. You are stripping me of everything good, everything joyful and everything that makes motherhood 'worth it'. I'm not so sure all the single ladies care about the struggles they're yet to face, but I want them to know. STAY SINGLE. Buy those spontaneous one-way plane tickets. Know that this commitment is beyond life-changing, and don't you dare commit to anything unless you're 150% determined to give everyday your all. At this very moment, through early-teething and my newly re-named 'devil child', I know she needs my absolute 150% commitment to keep on track of life and my head in the parenting game. This shit is tiring. I am tired. I'm not 'oh I'll stay up an hour later', or 'I'll sleep in an extra hour', but I'm to the point of saying yes to a sneaky 20 minutes (if I can ever get it) to keep myself functioning until the next sneaky 20 comes along. And before anyone tells me to 'sleep when the baby sleeps', if becomes a bit difficult WHEN THEY DON'T SLEEP.
And if they do, it's in your arms. I need to make sure I don't smother, block airways or squash my baby. All while I'm tired. Don't tell me to just lay down with her. It's impossible. But thanks for your handy advice, it was just what I was seeking.
For the last few weeks I've been all you want. Which is cute, but I don't want you. I want a hot coffee and some cereal that hasn't soaked up all the milk. I want a shower where I don't have to jump out mid-conditioner and then cry just as many tears as you because I realise I've jumped out the shower with a head full of soap and I know I have to stick my head back in to rinse what is left of my attempt of smelling human again, while you're in your rocker on the bathroom floor crying and confused as to why I've had to put you down again. I want to sleep next to my man. I miss him. I want my lovely little lady back. Where did you go? Did someone swap you in one of the woolies isles while I was tossing up whether or not to buy 1 or 2 boxes of sale nappies?
I wouldn't be shocked in anyone if they wanted you, you're perfect. Apart from the fact that you refuse to sleep anywhere other than with me, or on me, in my arms or beside me (if I'm lucky). Your perfect persona has been overtaken by the spawn of devil teeth and the reality of 'what comes up, must come down' because this is literally what your teeth have done. No wonder you're mad, that is so cruel. You're just shy of 4 months and yet life is already teaching you how cruel it can be. I want to teach you that life is good, but all I'm currently teaching you is frustration, guilt and intense emotion on top of petty love. I'm trying my absolute hardest, but it's no where close to what I feel like you need.
I'm not mad at you, I promise my baby girl. I'm mad at the situation we're in. I'm mad because I don't feel as though I'm giving you what you need. You need everything. And I'm losing all my will to give every piece of me to you. Do you have enough? The million dollar question. I'm going to be spending the rest of my life making sure you always have enough- not too much, but just he right amount of all the little and big things, but most importantly I want to fill you with a whole lot of love. And when as your Mum, I question my love and if it's enough, all those little and big things are thrown out the window. You're safe and warm, which is most important. And my commitment will always be 150% for you, even if I'm feeling down or second guessing all the other bits and pieces.
15.10.2017